Monologue

The truth is highlighted in neon. An open book is easy to read. There's never an end in circles. Denial sucks. Bursting out will hurt both sides. Friendship is very sacred. Think. Proper niat is the utmost important. Small things must remain small. Allah is fair. The world doesn't revolve around a person. Reflection aren't always pretty. Best of luck.

Fb matters. Friends regardless of gender. Believe in sensitive issues. Nikon is my baby. Boyfriendless.

Neutral. And life goes on. Cheers.

Summer Randomness

Spartan Village

Holland

Road trips

Friends

BBQ & good food

Shopping

CE221 & ENT205

Knowing more people

Homesick

Stay ups & sleepovers

Housewarming

Parents

Baking & cooking

Art Fest

Tears

Picnic

Movies

Bowling

Purdue

Taylor's

BFFs

Saying goodbye

Meeting new people

Thrift stores

Missing Malaysia

too good to be true

"kalau kau happy sangat, kau rase guilty tak?" - Abby

after finals was heaven.

okay, it was jst heaven on earth I must say.

but now, *&;^%$#@!

SIGH

what can I say? Life's a challenge.

choices

I make choices everyday, every single freaking day. and so do you. sometimes I think about them, sometimes I don't. sometimes I think about the choices too much that I picked the wrong one because in most cases, it's the easiest one. dear Lord, please help. I'm nothing but a weak human being. sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice, but that's only because I've blocked out the other choices that I'm not willing to face.

Okay, I'll be brave. I'll face it, whatever it takes. I'll take it with silent tears.

Perhaps you shouldn't read this.

"Chill Syue, everything will be fine" - Nana Dz

"Syue, kenape you emo?" - Icha

"I miss him, and you" - Mama

"What time are you coming home, let's skype" - Abah

Skype notification;
"Kakak"
"Kakak. Sarah. Mama. Abah. Nana. Zaid"
"Kakak"
"Sarah"
"Kakak"
multiple emoticons - Sarah
(ignoring her 5 calls on Skype cos I was crying and I dont want her to see me like that)

"Just checking to see how you're doing"
"Okay gtg" - Mahfuz

"How are you?" - Faera

"Syue I need to skype with you" - Mia
Need to skype with you too.

I forgot what Aida said but she said a bunch of things to make me feel better, and I did feel better. But only when I hear her voice.

"Love you" - Aida
Yeah darling, I love you too.

"I didn't cry today, yet"
"Don't let there be a yet" - Mahfuz

Ring ring, unknown number, outside of US.
"Hello"
"Hello Kakak, this is Abah, this is my Doha number. Save it."
"Oh okay."
"What are you doing?"
"Homewok"
"What time is it there? Can you give me 15minutes to have breakfast then I'll on my skype"
"Oh Abah it's 1am. I have an 8am tomorrow. Sorry I can't skype"
(Only Allah knows how much I want to, I rejected his skype request twice! I'm a bad daughter)
"It's okay Kakak, maybe next time"
"Yeah"
(not talking much cos was about to cry)
"Okay, bye"
"Bye"
(actually wanted to say I love you and I miss you like hell)

Outgoing call went to voicemail, he didn't pick up.
"You're asleep?"
No reply, guess he was.
99% sure that everyone else was asleep too.

Shit, roommate's here.
Hide under the covers and pretend to sleep.
Cried in silence.

Bad dream. Dammit.
8am, wtf? Late for class!

"You're up?" - Steve
"At the bus stop. Late!"
"Just checking"
"Thanks"
(thanks a bunch! really appreciate it)

"I miss you too, esp during meals" - Mama
(tears streamed out, was on the bus, my left contacts fell out, shit)

"I hope you learn how to appreciate money" - Abah

"Then quit!" - Mama

"Love you because of Allah" - Mia

"I miss you" - Faera

instant emotional breakdown for no valid reason.

You have to teach me how to work and study at the same time!
"Haha okay" - Steve

HUGS - Shereen

HUGS again - Shereen
(hugs do make me feel better. So what? I am a cuddler)

IS THIS JUST A PHASE?

"Kakak aku dah kahwin pun nangis nak balik rumah" - Nor
Maybe I'm one of those people.

Or not. Because I want to go FAR FARRR AWAY, and be at home at the same time.
I can't stand the thought of my mum being lonely without my dad for almost a month.
I know that you're just trying to tel me how you feel mum, I'm glad you told ME. But, mum, I feel helpless, there's nothing that I can do, cos I miss you both too. SO much.
And guess what? SKYPE IS NOT ENOUGH!

ps/ might not be EXACTLY what they say. Something like this.

I feel better now, tears are dry. Glad that these engineering guys like to mind their own biz. In the lab btw, supposed to be doing project. Yes, I guess I'm needy. Part of me says, "Who cares? Wtv" but another part of me needs to know that at least somebody cares. Esp the ones who I care about. I'm sorry I'm going through a phase, for how long, I'm not sure. Will make it up to the people who bear with me :)

the so-called creative side of me

oh hello, I drew this a few minutes ago.

with my heart not my hands.

it took me a while to draw this.

i'm not sure who/what inspired me, but hey, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Queen of Spades

Take a good look at the her, a really good look at her. What do you think she demonstrates?

I'm assuming that she ran away from her glorious own castle which holds her as a prisoner since the day she was born. I also presume that she was nourished with too much fairy tales and happy endings till she forgets the taste of reality. And now, she's hoping that someone would save her, but guess what? Nobody's coming; she's just stuck there all alone. No prince charming nor a beautiful vampire. But I believe that she's smart; she's so much more than a pretty-faced Queen. She can't run away from what's done, but she can think.

I think I'm thinking too much, again.

"chill lah Syue"

I've been getting that approximately 197 times since the day that I left my home country. I think that what I'm feeling right now has nothing to do with my country. It has to do with people and me, myself, my head my thoughts, my irrational feelings.

I bought the $10.00 Skype credit (thanks Aida) because I hate football, because football takes up my family's whole weekend which equals to them not being able to stay at home and Skype with me which pisses me off. Screw football. It's just a game where 22 (mostly) hot-looking guys chasing after a ball, so? So anyway, this means that I'll be calling people back home when I'm free and when the time is right (due to the 13-hours time difference) yay!

So yeah, I'm not gonna complain any further. Haha.

Oh and to anybody who cares here are some updates about me. I miss you guys, update me as well. If I ever find out about anything that you guys didn't tell me while I'm away, siap korang! Haha, but seriously. Besides, facebook is free and everybody has one :)

1. My classes are going well and I've made friends.
2. Shopping here is cheap, during SALE and if you don't try to convert it.
3. My housemates are nice and people here are cool.
4. The only decent dish that I've cooked so far is tom yam, others are canned food and instant noodles.
5. I played basketball for rumah kuning for the MSO Sports Day yesterday and we won! #1 ;)
6. I'm gonna be Mahsuri for the Malaysian Cultural Night this March. My scene's pretty easy, all I have to do is talk a little and die ;)
7. I get homesick on daily basis so don't bother. Just let me be. haha.

So, that's it for now. Btw, I'm NOT the Queen of Spades that I was babbling about. Honest.

today's ugly equation

ice skating + a cup of coffee + a guy = 2 hours of sleep

(sleep deprived * 5 pages of draft essay due tomorrow) / time constraint = dark circles

MISSING home - good nutritious food = stomach upset + vomit

thus, a very crappy Syue today = 2 hours of sleep + dark circles + stomach upset + vomit

and the factor of Syue's crappy mood is?

the Snow,
AND a guy.

how irritating.

sigh.