Getting a feel of graduation

I bought my graduation gown yesterday.

Reality is hitting everyday. The reality of the end of college life, going back home for good, leaving my apartment, the long distance and not seeing my crazy American friends again. Everyone that I've crossed path with, places that I've set foot with and knowledge that I have gain brings me to where I'm standing at today.

"Life must go on" - S.Iqbal & plenty of others

Looking back, I was very anxious of what might be after I get on the plane to MSU. Nervous, naive, eager and homesick. Thank you Allah, thank you all for this great life experience that I'm learning to let go and move on. My school life has been/is great! I'm blessed. I learn to love, I learn from people, I make millions of mistakes and find out true friends who always stood by me. People say grad school won't be the same. Maybe, I don't know. I'm not even sure about grad school.

I miss friends back home, very very much. My summer visit last year was amazing. I felt the same warmth when I'm with them, it's like I never left. But I know we've all grown, there were changes in everyone but none in the friendship. If so, just the longing of seeing each other and more love :')

Still much to do insyaAllah. Looking forward to Malaysian Food Fest (I love MSO, btw), Midwest games, Design Day presentation, summer class, Canada road trip, commencement day, family day, summer days with friends here :) more sports insyaAallah. Too many good memories about school life especially college. I think I've seen the world but I know there are lots more to come to the next un-sheltered phase. No wonder parents kept saying "When I was in college.." I know I'm gonna be saying that soon enough.

Oh love, I pray for the best. Just the best :)

If anyone manage to read this till the end not get bored, thank you very much. There'll be more post along this line I'm guessing. The end of college sort of obsession. Graduates, go get your resume & cover letter done!

♥  

Where I stood

There's a reason why time is in the hands of God, we can't turn it back and we can't forward it. There are times in life that I wish I can rewind for just 1 minute and I will avoid all the pain that I caused. But that's not how it works, that's not how we learn. If one keeps turning back time and do everything right, where is the mess to fix?

For me, time is running out. I have bigger things that I want to achieve but the present must not go wasted. Where I stood had taught me what I am today. The people that I met, that I wish I hadn't are all in the equations that produce the present and for what it's worth, I am very grateful. I went to a school on an island that I truly despise, soon after I picked a career path overnight convince by experienced adults who knew my abilities but not my passion, I didn't get into my first and second choice of universities but everything is alright now. Things worked out well so far (with a great deal of effort of course, don't pamper yourself too much).

It's not all in your hands. It is only in my power to a certain extend. I figure that if I had a month to think I would still jump from one career to another (dentistry-accountancy-engineering-back to accountancy). I will miss all this crazy school life. I feel like things will change, that's how I always felt when I'll be moving to a new place, but you know what? After a phase is over, the things that matter will stay. That's how you'll know what and who to keep :)

Shift

I've been wanting to write for so long. I tried but I can't put together the perfect words to say. Things happened and changed so fast but emotions stayed stagnant. I feel trapped in my own bubble of thoughts that refuse to shift to a happier place. Yoga mats did not distract me enough from my dismay. But it's okay, I always have a twenty four seven listener, family who love me at my worst, friends that bring sunshine without trying and an amazing friend that I wish to keep forever. Thank you.

Am I not grateful? Yes I am. I really am. So I'll work things out. I'll seek for solutions and I'll be better.

*Pokes the bubble*

A diary-like post

Wow, new and improved blogger.com. Might take a while for me to get better with new tools.

Reminiscing the time when I pour my heart out on pages after pages. It felt really good, only God knows how much.

Anyway, I had an insightful chat with a few friends yesterday. Reminds me of things that I should always remember. I'm glad I have friends that remind me of good things just by their presence.

I miss my parents, siblings, aunts, grandparents, uncles, cousins and friends back home. I've overcome that sorrow feeling whenever I miss them. This apartment and the engineering building have grown on me. I love having my own place and being (almost) independent. But it may be a bit nicer if America is at somewhere near India. Sigh.

Btw, I'm really trying to work things out this semester, as in getting a minimum of 3.5 in every course and working with a professor. I'm in the process helping my Computer-Aided Manufacturing professor in his research but I have to go through a 3-4 weeks unpaid training, so let's hope that won't be too bumpy.

And I'm all excited for my winter trip to the west coast. It's gonna be awesome! :D

Hope Sadia will come home soon cos Spartan Village is so quiet after the sun sets it drives me crazy when i don't have homework to do (or don't know how to).

Good night wild bunnies who only hop around at night. I wish you guys aren't that shy so I can take a few pictures ♡

Emotionally exhausted

I fall too hard, trust too fast, love too much, jump too high, speak too loud, cried too often, want too bad.

Betul ke?

I'm pretty moderate I suppose. I think it's just taking too long. Everything either grow or fade with time. Constant? Oh it's always sort of like a wave for me (maybe all girls) So I need to be patient a little bit more.

Penat. Tolonglah belajar and don't disappoint yourself after the semester ends. 20 minutes power nap then it's back to work, iA.

Ego

My ego was set aside.
Okay maybe just toned down.
Took a lot of courage. 

My weakness was shown, desires were known. 

Too much.

It's time to conceal.

And I just prefer to be sad alone.

But hey, hello facebook! You'll be a good distraction or some sort.

What I have to say

Cheap tears. 

They flow unwillingly, making a trail of sparkles.

Such a pretty sight with ugly allusion.

Still think action speaks louder than words?

Yup, I'm confused too.

Memorabilia

Everytime she hears "Hey Soul Sister" by Train, her heart skips a beat. This was her spring break song a year ago. The song that she heard over and over on the train to West Lafayette. One homesick, eager and awkward young-pretend-to-be-adult on her way to meet the familiar faces; Her comfort zone. Although she doesn't belong there and had never been there in her life, it strangely felt like home. One week of carefree-ness, two best friends, a spring fling and a couple of old friends.

She didn't know it was her spring break song, until it was over.

terasa & buruk sangka

Say this to yourself:

1. It is not about you.
2. (But I'm 100% sure it is!) Keep your distance.
3. (Still thinking about it) Think about the good stuff. Think about something else.
4. (Hmm. That works until...) Okay kan berdosa, sensitive sangat apasal?
5. Be quiet.
6. Okay now, talk to you someone who understands and has 110% optimism in him/herself.
7. If this matter cannot be told to another human being, tell God. He listens, all the time.
8. Okay scratch all the above, tell God first.

To Syue: If you ever get hurt by somebody else's mean words that you think might be about you, read it again. 

Things I Miss

Home

Mum

Dad

Sister

Brother

Friends

You

Me

Him

Her

Sun

Beach

Sand

Cats

Typing

Laughter

Plane

Rollerblades

Cycling

One Utama

Big sloppy kiss from mum

Lipstick stain on my cheeks

Dad's perfume smell

Dad's tie

Sister's annoying voice

Driving

Parking lot

Non-stop talking with girlfriends

Birthday parties

Mamak

Weird lagu melayu on radio

Cousins

Eid

Aunties

Uncles

Grandma&pa

You

Just you

And how nice I was

Bukan perasan

I'm not sure what I've turned into now

Wow, such a long list

Journey

It's been a long way,

and I still have a long long way to go.

Life is short.

And I should be worried about bigger things in life.

I think I need mum.

distant

Photo credits to Jay.

In my shoes.

Can you fit in it? For just day?

Be in my shoes and tell me what it feels like.

I know you can't, cos I can never be exactly in yours or anyone else's.

So respect my opinion and my thinking.

Add yours, I'd be glad to listen.

But never dismiss and degrade mine.

Because I have my reasons.

And if I am wrong, correct me.

Please and thank you.

Another matter that is totally unrelated to the post above; A stab on the chest. Saudara tak Islam pun kau kawan. Tipulah kalau tak terasa. So it was all just a cheap talk. Okay bye.

earth to Syue

Daydreaming is one of the things that I do best. Sometimes I purposely get myself into this to prevent from sleeping in class cos I usually sit at the front row and that will be rude. Heck, I can even daydream at night. But now I noticed that even when I daydream, I think. I don't think it's called daydream anymore. I'm thinking too much and way further. I shouldn't. Like what they say, take it easy.

But it's okay to daydream about the wonders of Allah's creation. There are just so many beautiful things on earth that I feel like carrying my camera with me all the time!
p/s Fall is here, my favorite season :D

Gray

It skipped a beat and it flipped.

I found loop holes and missing pieces that has always been up to fate and out of my control.

I suppose it's all for the wrong reasons but I might not be right like I always have been all this while.

But this will go away, as fast as the rising sun when the night was just starting.

Still, everything's uncertain.

Ask for prayers & make a wish.

Addiction

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

But that doesn't apply in this case.

Even real life doesn't last that long.

I need to see it, it's what I need at the moment.

It makes me.. calm at the end of the night.

Gute nacht lovelies.

present

the only Engineering students in MSU

EE EE ME

Syamil Syue Azan

MSO in MSU

Oh yeah, that's about 98% of us.

• Eid celebration was fantastico!
• I meet a lot of new people since fall semester started
• Eta Kappa Nu. Alhamdulillah.
• Went to events that I was too shy to go to (Society of Women Engineering SWE, Muslim Students Associaton MSA) 
• Planning on going to a few new meetings (Eta Kappa Nu, IEEE, Friendship Family Orientation)
• Discovering new people, as mentioned
• Learning new stuff in class; difficult yet interesting
• Getting to know my friends in depth
• Given a good excuse to take and publish plenty of pictures
• Hoping that the Global Fest would be a blast
• Expecting a lot more new experiences for this semester!
• Too freaking busy to call home :( IMMA CHANGE THAT

It's snowing a bit today.

sweet

lazy

like

clueless

humble

nice

honest

care

insecure

politics

virgin

plain

turning points

A couple of weeks ago, it was the best, the BEST ever :)
for me for some good reason, Aida for some reason as well, Icha for some reason jugak, Qammy who just got accepted to Uni of Iowa, Faera who just got home, Dyla who got accepted, Nana for always being happy, haha. Idk Im just saying, but it was a GOOD week :)

then, dush!
bad news kept coming on me, on us, one by one.

Aida, BE STRONG, and you ARE strong enough. we'll all pray for the best insyaallah, and look on the bright side, you're going HOME :) so focus now, and go home after this.

Icha, we'll talk this weekend love. and focus. let's get back on track okay.

Faera dear, dont get mad at yourself, (i read your text but s empat reply lagi sorryyyy!) it's not your fault. shit happens kan?

to me? haha. ECE 280 is not that bad.. for now, exam's is frigging tomorrow, and idk what else to do, I think I'm prepared. ECE 201 wasn't that bad, although smpi lambat kan, essay sucks though, hm. dont think about home too much :(

but things are healing I suppose, for me at least. I'm slightly happier tonight, and my brain is functioning although I'm super tired right now. Otak dh tak serabut sgt :)
and I hope things are improving for the others as well. Dyla, I might call you soon. Ahhh, byk kerja, and I'm sleepy now.

Ahh, the taste of life that keeps going round and round, and you can't even guess where the turning points are because it's ROUND. Allah yg maha berkuasa, so let's be optimistic okay? let's try.



ps/ kulit jd hodoh sikit kt sini. It's SO dry. very. ouch and ugly. pffft. because I'm Asian :) & I MISS YOU dear friends yang jauh dimata tp dekat dihati

today's ugly equation

ice skating + a cup of coffee + a guy = 2 hours of sleep

(sleep deprived * 5 pages of draft essay due tomorrow) / time constraint = dark circles

MISSING home - good nutritious food = stomach upset + vomit

thus, a very crappy Syue today = 2 hours of sleep + dark circles + stomach upset + vomit

and the factor of Syue's crappy mood is?

the Snow,
AND a guy.

how irritating.

sigh.